The Shadowland 

Mmmmg

I need a charm. I need a something charged that I can carry with me today... something... ugh.

And now, for your enjoyment, here's a passage in d'gibberish.

Arna ake roy kiketto buffu-lit! Sirsirra torma ifes mir leen dadar. At moolinar arnsa mir lovouve lone ar ganta kon lonofwa arn firda-int.

School time. I'll finish later.

*sigh*

Forget it. Forget I said anything. No matter what I put on here... it sounds depressing. I'll leave the last one up, there... but...

Today wasn't too bad, though, for the most part.

Had school. Suprise, suprise. Jess and I went to her house after school. I had a good time. We had rehearsal after that, but we didn't stay for the Rebel meeting. I probably should have... but Jess needed to get home, and 1. she was my ride and 2. we were going to eat dinner. That's exactly what we did. We went to eat dinner at Hardees. Romantic, eh? We sat at my house for about ten to twenty minutes when she dropped me off. As I was walking in, I heard her car making a funny noise, so I went back out. Her car was stalling big time. I kept her company until her dad got there... but she seemed unhappy. I mean, even past the car problems... she seemed unhappy... almost with me. I... don't know. The day was generally well spent, except for the car problems. I don't know what I'll do tomorrow. I don't...

Why

Everything feels right when I'm with Jess. Everything. When I hold her... I don't have any regret, remorse, or grief. It's just me. Just me and her. Everything is right.

That's why not seeing her, even for a day, is so upsetting for me. Seeing her is the highlight of my day. Why shouldn't it be, eh? I love her. Of course I'll get through the day without her. I got through every day of my life before I was with her... I got through every day without feeling the love I feel now. It's upsetting, though, not to feel that rightness. Not to feel the simple pleasure of seeing her face for the first time in the last 8 or 9 hours. I don't know why it makes me so happy to see her, especially in the morning... it just does. I feel right. I feel free. I feel needed. I feel important. I feel loved. I love you Jess.

Call me at 3:30 or so tomorrow.

Burrrrfin

I won't get to see Jessica tomorrow during the day. She's gonna pretend to be sick. God... tomorrow is gonna suck so much. I'm serious. I'll have nothing to do all day. I don't even feel...

I like doing it. I enjoy it because you enjoy it, and that's enough to make it worth it.

I feel like crap. Really, I do. I can't stay home... I just can't... *sigh*

Linkinkink

I wish I could count on Kelley getting here at ABOUT the same time every day. Instead, her routine is between 6:45 and 7:20. I'd like to KNOW when I can get up and have time to do everything without them getting here early or me waiting around forever. Yes, forever. No exaggeration.

Another free day in Bio. Wheee.

My face is dry.

Hanging with Jess today, until rehearsal at 5:00. Then the Rebel meeting at 7:00. I suppose she'll have to go home right away after that. Oh well. Tw/JIGT.

I hope we can hang out on Friday. Saturday is my birthday. Maybe she can come over before or after my party... or both.

I made a new cd yesterday. This one is all Disturbed, no Korn. The copy of Conflict that I downloaded was crappy, though. I hate it when they digitally play back the same thing in a song and make it seem like that's the way it's supposed to be. Bastards. I'll have to download a new version and THEN burn a new cd just because some bastards wanted to remix a good song and make it bad.

Time for school.

Blingnigget

Only one more school day. Only one more school day, and then I can hang out with Jess. I/we still don't know what we're doing.
My food is ready. I'm gonna eat. Bye.

Ha.

Ha. Hahaha. HeheheheHAHAHA!

That's happy.

I don't care. Ha! I just finally figured out that I just don't care. I don't care about Allen. I don't care what he thinks.

That last blog... it's the last time I ever yell at Allen. I promise... no more of it. Why? Because I don't care.

All I want to do is be happy. And I realized now that it's not Allen that's stopping me from being happy. Indirectly, yes... but I'm letting him. I'm letting him! So I'm not gonna do it anymore. No. I'm free. Free from myself, I suppose.

I can be happy now. Yay for that.

lol... the asshole wanted to open his mouth.

Well now! Allen, the one who can't seem to get it in his head that he is not always right... and that he is not supremely intelligent and correct, wanted to open his mouth and send me an email! And gosh darn it, he can't seem to get it in his head that my blog is my business, and he has nothing to do with it. I am not wrong, Allen. If you don't want to read my blog, then don't. Would you rather I say the exact same thing in a diary or journal? You hypocritical asshole. I have every right to say whatever I want on my blog, and as long as I ask Jess if she's comfortable with it (which I have, in every instance) then I see no problem, seeing as how it is MY and JESS'S business alone, and definately NOT yours. It is also not your place to tell me what I can and can't do or say. Of course, I'm not gonna stop you... because it's your right. I am, however, going to say... well... here.

The following is the email I received from our dear, dear friend, Luigi. (Voldemort, for those of you who don't know)

Be mad at me, i dont' care right now.

So you're not a virgin. you haven't been one for a while now, ok? but it's WRONG to talk about it like that, or to post it on a public forum like that, got it? Fuck, man! and it is NOT because it's her, ok? anyone who does that pisses me off. If jess wrote about it on a blog like that, i'd be upset with her too, got it? It's not just me that thinks its' sleezy for you to be doing this either,
ok?

and yes, i would answer a phone if someone called even if i was with jess. it's called NOT BEING RUDE.

allen


Now this is my response to his email, which I emailed back to him and, obviously, also posted here on the blog.

Oh, I'm so sorry if it's you AND your doctor that think I'm sleazy. You know what? Shove it up your ass, ok? Just because everyone has access to that public forum, does NOT mean everyone is gonna get to that public forum. I've said plenty of times that you, Jess, Justin, and I are the only people who read that blog that even KNOW me or anyone I've ever mentioned. Unless, of course, you're giving the address out to random people, like Veronika for instance. That's bullshit, Allen.
And besides that, it is MY FUCKING BLOG. In other words, FUCK YOU. You're the one that said "Oh, you just don't have the right to ask certain things." And you don't have the right to ask me to censor myself. Besides, once again, that I've asked Jess repeatedly if there's anything she'd like me not to say... sometimes there is, and then I don't say it.
What you think is wrong, I find, is SELDOM actually wrong. You have the most fucked up sense of reality of anyone I know. No one cares, Allen, about my sex life. No one except me... and YOU. What the fuck do you care? No one else does! Sex is NOT something that is shunned by people with normal mentalities, and normal lives. I realize that I'm young, but so fucking what. You said yourself that the average ages to lose your virginity is 14 and 16, and I am still a virgin. YOU are a fucking dumbass, ok? You have the most fucked up definition of "losing your virginity" that I've ever heard. I'm practically having sex with you right now, by your definition! You know why you're definition of virginity is so slim? It's because you want to lose your virginity sooner than you actually would.
Allen, my sex life is MY business. My blog is MY business. If you want to complain about it, go right ahead... because it's your right to voice your opinion. Just be prepared for me to call you a FUCKING DUMBASS every time you do something so STUPID as to tell me what I can and can't say on MY FUCKING BLOG.

Dearest Regards,
Daniel

There you have it. You know, I've made it a habit not to swear on my blog here. I guess that's down the tubes... though I seldom do it when I'm not upset. Allen seems to do it all the time.
I'm not wrong, Allen. It is NOT your place to decide what is right and what is wrong. Don't give me any bullshit about "social acceptance" either. I don't care what you think, ok, Allen? You know how often assumptions about what society accepts are wrong? My point, Allen, is that you are no one to tell me that what I'm doing is wrong. No one sees this blog, Allen, no one (other than you) that thinks it's bad. Unless, like I said before, you're giving out the address... in which case, you need to stop. You'd be showing this site to people you KNOW are going to agree with you... if you think someone is going to side with me, you won't show them the site at all.

I think I'm done. Despite the presence you may get from the blog and the email, I'm actually very happy right now. I'm happy because Jess and my relationship is just as strong as ever. I'm happy because I love Jess, and she loves me. I'm happy because things are good. If you deserve good fortune, you get it. If you don't... then you end up complaining to other people about how they have something you don't.
Actually, I offered to Jess to stop the sexual activity. She disagreed. Enough said, ok?
You don't seem to see that, unless Jess says she doesn't want me to, it's not disrespectful for me to post it. I can't tell you how often I've asked her about stuff like this... and she always says "I don't care, Dane. It honestly wouldn't bother me." If she said it bothered her, I'd stop, and that's that. But because she says it doesn't, I don't see why I can't put it on here. It's not like anyone who matters is gonna read it anyways.
*sigh* I know I'm repeating myself. Supposedly, if you repeat yourself, people will get the message. I've yet to see Allen learn from anything. I've yet to see him realize he's wrong. If he wants to live in his world, then I have no problem about sitting here and saying "Oh darn, if only he WANTED to be helped." He can tell himself that everyone else is crazy all he wants... but it's only because he just doesn't want to be helped.
God, I've been rambling for a while. I guess I'm done now.

Findlinkoo

The more I am, the more I cause. The more I cause, the more that's bad. The more that's bad, the more I hear. The more I hear, the more I hate. The more I hate, the more I wish.

As a follow-up to that last blog, I'd like to state that I always ask Jess if she's ok with what goes on my blog, as it pertains to her. Numerous times, in fact, have I asked her if she'd like me to take certain blogs off, but she's assured me that she doesn't care. Therefore, I feel no need to censor myself.

Biggabaw

I just got back from rehearsal. It wasn't too bad.

Allen called me while I was at rehearsal. Jess told Allen about our escapade. Well, really, he pried it out of her. She didn't really tell him... but he was bothering her. Yes, Allen, we've had *bum bum bum...* oral sex. And you know what? This is my blog. You can piss on my ashes when I'm dead, but right now, I'm gonna put whatever the fuck I want on my blog, is that alright with you? Again, Justin, Jess, you, and myself are the only people who read this blog (that I personally know). Jess and Justin always know what's going on in my life, and I couldn't give a rat's ass what you think.

"Congratulations. He's 14, and you've had sex."

You're such an asshole, Allen. That's it. I don't even have anything else to say... other than that you're a fucking asshole.

"I don't really believe in it myself."

That's so much bullshit, I can't even begin to describe how much of a hypocrite you are.

Hypocritical asshole. Piss me off some more, please.

Jess and I are going to her house after school on Wednesday. I can't wait. At least Jess knows that Allen is a... ugh... well, she's assured me, she knows. I'm glad I can trust her judgement. I'm glad I can trust her. I'm so glad I'm in love with her.